One on One: interview with John Finch

Recently I scheduled time to sit down and share a meal with a friend of mine who scales the level of tremendous in my life ...and in the lives of many others.  My buddy John shines no less than brilliant in life.  The absolute best thing about him is you get the sense that he is as sure as he is unsure of what he is doing in life right now.  It's not that John is unclear or unknowing.  He clearly knows what he wants to do and must do in life.  How he does what he wants to do is the challenge that he daily rises to.  Day in and day out, John has tirelessly thought of questions to ask on how to launch a ministry and help lead men out of hurt into hope and tomorrow.  In this way particularly, John encourages me deeply without even being aware. John was a child who tragically lost a father and grew to become a man defined by hurt and abandonment.  Yet through God's grace and miraculous forgiveness, he became a father refusing to lose his own children.  John simply is a tremendous man with a dream too big for his shoulders.  That's why he trusts God fiercely.

And this trust has led John to start a project called, The Father Effect.

I'd like to introduce my friend John Finch to you and let you in on the high points of our recent conversation captured in the 5 questions below.  After reading through our conversation and hearing John's heart, watch the short film he made and share it with your friends.

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One on One: interview with John Finch

What led you to walk away from stability in an established 17 year career to pursue launching The Father Effect?

Everything began to change when I hit one of the lowest points in my life.  February 20, 2009, I reached a point of real brokenness.  I was an alcoholic and on a particular work trip I scheduled to see a customer, who was also an alcoholic, we stayed up drinking until about 5am.  I somehow arrived back at my hotel room and laid down for about an hour before I had to be up to catch an early flight back to Dallas.  As I drove to the airport, still drunk, I remember thinking that if I got pulled over, I could get busted for a DWI.  I also went into confession mode like countless times before, telling God that I would never drink again.  All the while, I knew very well the next time I hit the road it was game on.  At one point on my way to the Nashville airport, I said out loud to God, "you are going to have to slap me up side the head to get my attention".  And that's exactly what happened shortly afterward.  February 20, 2009, our world came crashing down around us - both of my in laws were diagnosed with cancer, I had knee surgery, the stress on my relationship with my wife and kids was being strained because of all of my travel, and I had recently walked into an emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack, just to name a few of the things.

I don’t think God did those things to me, but I believe he surfaced in the midst of them and caught my attention.  Little did I know that that was only the beginning.

Nearly a year later at the beginning of 2010, God had really started to stir my heart.  Part of what God was impressing upon me was the fact that I was gone so much - two or three days a week - for as long as I had had kids, and it had started to take a toll on my family, both my wife and kids.  I also began to get a picture of just how massive a problem absent fathers had become to most everyone that I knew.  One weekend in early June of that year, I starting praying for God's direction and guidance about this stirring.  I asked God to give me some kind of confirmation.  I determined to spend the weekend praying and devoted to quality family time.  At the end of a long day on Saturday, laughing having great time together, I put them to bed and walked back down the stairs to pray and think a bit more.  Within 5 minutes, my middle daughter came down the stairs with the oldest not far behind and she simply asked with tears in her eyes, "Dad, why are you traveling so much?"  Before I knew, they were both crying.  Neither one of them had ever asked me that question.  There was my confirmation from God.  I assured them both that I was going to stop traveling and be home more.  The next week, I put in my two weeks’ notice.

Tell me about the first day of your new life. What was it like?

The first day of my new life was freedom and healing like I’d never known before.  This quote that I once came across describes the feeling best. "I was homesick for a place I had never been."  I cannot explain it other than I felt God in every detail.  I felt as though I had a new perspective about everything.  I had a father wound and needed healing.  One simple question that God posed to me turned my life upside down.  Almost instantly I discovered forgiveness.  Really, I think forgiveness found me in the question - "How could I be so angry, bitter, and resentful towards a man who did not know how to be a dad?"  It was as if God had given me a new pair of glasses that made me see everything in a way that I had never seen them before.  My relationship with my wife was new, my relationship with my kids was new, and even the world was new.  All because the baggage of my past had been lifted from my shoulders.  I had spend 30 years of my life living in the past blaming my dad for all my troubles.

Three days after I left my job to launch the ministry I met a guy named Charlie.  Charlie was the car transporter who had come to pick up my company car from the job I had just left.  Within 5 minutes of conversation, Charlie asked me what I was going to do now that I had left my job.  I told him a little bit about all that I had been through, and he began to cry as he told me the story about his father.  Charlie said that when he was 5 years old, his dad took him to a ballgame with some of his dad's friends.  He said that his dad bought him a huge bucket of popcorn and bragged on him to his buddies like he was superman.  Charlie said that he doesn't remember much after that because his dad left the family.  For many years, Charlie said that he would get this strange feeling of peace when he went to the movies and bought a bucket of popcorn.  In his mid 60's, some fifty years later, he soon realized that it was all because of that day at the ballgame with his dad.

What are the most valuable lessons learned or truths realized since starting The Father Effect?

I am continuing to learn so many things that it would be impossible to list them all here, but here are a few of the important things.  I am not alone, we are all broken, and I could be a better father.  Satan had convinced me for 30 years that I was all alone and that I was the only one going through the struggles and issues.  Once I realized that everyone else had issues and struggles too, I didn't feel alone.  And when I came to understand just how widespread the Father Wound was, I didn't feel alone, understanding that everyone has issues and are wounded in some way because of the experiences of life.  I, like many men, thought that I was a pretty good father, but I was satisfied with only that, being a pretty good father.  I soon came to understand that I could be a great father and the importance of striving for that made me a better father.  I began walking in daily awareness of my actions and words as a father.  And part of becoming a better father was loving my kids’ mom.  Understanding that the way I treat my wife is how my girls see normal to be was eye-opening for me.  Knowing that they were watching my every move and that I was setting the standard by which they are going to measure every man, and more importantly, their future husbands.

What are your hopes for the film?  What's the next step?

My hope for the film is that it ignites a movement of fathers who walk in daily awareness of the significant and lifelong influence they have on their kids because the words and actions they use every day. I hope that it results in us being able to equip, educate, and encourage men with the resources they need to become great fathers.  I pray that God uses it to reach millions of men and that it is seen in thousands of churches, universities, and addiction treatment centers all over the world, freeing men to be the fathers God has called them to be.  The messages that need to be told are numerous and they are the catalyst for conversations that need to be had between fathers and kids and between husbands and wives. Twenty years from today, what do you hope to have accomplished?

Twenty years from today, I hope to have helped redefined what it means to be a father.  I hope this film and many others we make have changed the lives of generations - children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren - because it changed the hearts of fathers.  My hope and prayer is that I have been obedient to what God has called me to do.  And, twenty years from now, I hope to be sitting on a beach somewhere in Maui with my grandkids telling my wife "We did pretty good, huh".

CONNECT WITH JOHN @ thefathereffect.com

the gospel, giggles and cuss words.

“...and it was even grosser and uglier than that.  The Bible says that he was beaten so badly, to the point that he didn’t really look like himself anymore.” We sat on the floor of our living room surrounded by enough chocolate and candy to satisfy a little army of children.  The sugar rush seemed to take hold instantly mixed with the releasing anticipation of Easter morning finally arrived.  My kids, as I imagine most kids, light up with excitement and a particular joviality belonging only to a few days positioned throughout the year: birthdays, holidays and the onset of summer.  I absolutely love it, too.  They are particular little celebrators who like to take in the moment and deliberately ease into the cause for grande occasion.  Routines, habits, traditions, all honored and revered in their little hearts.  It makes my heart sometimes rushed by responsibility and dampened by ‘reality’ slow to their pace and come alive similarly.  No rushing through presents or traditions or out of what they’ve waited as patiently as they can for.  

I especially love these moments with them.  Our time together in memories creating and lasting forever.  They’ll look back to our time together, when it is no longer just us, from a time ahead when they are doing the same with their own little families and draw from our experiences happening now.

And in the midst of celebrating holidays, all excitement, anticipation and happiness involved, I make sure to plant deeply and water the cause for such spectacle.  I try my best, at least.

This particular Easter morning we woke to skies clouded and rain falling, presenting the perfect opportunity.  After getting through the exhilaration of our morning egg hunt where no nook or cranny inside of the house was out of bounds or off limits and them finding new fishing poles laid out as family gifts next to their Easter baskets, we sat, ate more candy and talked a bit longer than usual.

“Easter is all about grace, God making everything wrong with us right and okay.”

Even though my daughters are young, they understand more than I often give them credit for.  This time the morning rested lazy and easy.  Rather than oversimplifying our conversation, I read more than two chapters straight from my Bible as they sat nearly spellbound despite sugar rushing through those little veins of my own.

They asked about the gory punishment inflicted on Jesus, sat still both captivated and horrified by the details of crucifixion, wondered aloud why people were so mean to him and wanted to know what happens when they do wrong ...if they keep doing wrong.  We’ve talked about grace before, but our morning conversation then presented a more concrete understanding.

A seed planted now being watered.  I pray roots dig deeply into their hearts and fruit of understanding and grace, action and choices, hangs ready on their growing branches.

“God wants you, and everyone, to go to Heaven.  That’s why he allowed Jesus to die for us, even though he knew we’d all make mistakes and do wrong.”

Grace :: favor rendered by one who need not do so; exemption; a reprieve.

I want them to understand grace deeply.  An infinitely important goal determined in my life as father to my little girls is to establish grace and acceptance in their lives.  I never want God misunderstood in their minds and unaccepted in their hearts as a distant judge somewhere in the sky just waiting for them to mess up.  He's right there in our mess.  He wants all to have heaven.  All to receive grace and everything wrong with us right and okay.

Grace and acceptance will mature only as I continue cultivate the soil of their hearts and nurture their stretching branches that will bear and hold fruit.  I think of parenting as I think of my own heart.  A garden needing constant attention.

As questions slowed and our conversation widened, my oldest asked, “What about bad words?”

“You know, the ‘sh’ word and the ‘b’ word,” she knowingly stated. “Gotcha.  And the ‘f’ word, right?” “Whoa, NO!!  That’s horrible, dad!!!”

Funny how kids zero in on what they deem the most important.  Not murder or cheating or stealing or lying, but bad words.  This is why I love these times so much.  They give time for their hearts to readily open and just pour out.

“Those are just words used to mean bad things.  The words themselves aren’t bad.  It is the way we use them and how we use them.  It all starts in our heart.  The words don’t matter as much as why and how we use them.”

So to further teach them, we read from Matthew 5:22 and talked about the power of how we use words.  To top it off, I said one of the cuss words my daughter alluded to out loud.

Deafening silence, eyes wide and jaws agape.

For me, parenting sometimes requires slight risks and complete honesty.  To ensure they understood why I cussed out loud, we briefly looked up the meaning and definition for a couple of the words.  They learned that those words actually do have real meaning, but due to misuse and bad intentions, those words hold bad meanings.  I explained that I don’t use those words because of how they are commonly used to mean bad things and because I simply do not need to, there are far better words to use.

My aim in this teaching was deep and far reaching.  It was a matter of beginning to set right understanding in their hearts, that Christ died for them specifically and grace redeems their hearts affecting their actions.  Not the other way around.  All too often, the mistake of our actions making us acceptable to God lingers and holds prominence over grace freely given and capably finding.

The only way to grace is through the mess.

“Any questions, girls?”

They looked at each other for a moment and then simultaneously burst into infectious giggles.  It will stand as one of the best conversations we’ve had to date.

gold, not glitter.

:: by Felicity White

Because I have three daughters, I often find myself shopping for little girl things.  And sometimes this is frustrating for me because it appears that the clothing and toy designers of the world would like to cover you in glitter and fake fur and colored plastic, and I’d like to drench you in sensible wool or cotton instead.  And I know that isn’t very exciting.  But here’s my deal.

You don’t want to be glitter; you want to be gold. You don’t want to be lightweight and made of painted plastic and used to make cheap things look expensive. You don’t want to be, as one definition for glitter describes it, “used in craft projects, especially for children, because of the brilliant effects which can be achieved relatively easily.”

The truth is, brilliant effects are never achieved easily.

A real piece of gold shows this.  First the gold is extracted from the ground, usually with a lot of work from deep underground mines and caves.  Then it is sifted and washed to separate it from all the dirt. Then it is melted and shaped into thick bars.  A jeweler takes those bars and melts them down again, this time shaping the gold into beautiful chains, rings, etc.  It’s a long process, but it’s worth it.  This is why we pay so much for even a small piece of gold.

This is also why we make you take piano lessons and teach you to run or dance for exercise.  This is why we encourage you to be kind to your friends and respectful to your teachers.  This is why we don’t let you quit because something gets hard.  This is why we make you apologize when you’re wrong.  This is why you yell at us and call us mean. But doing any less would be to treat you like glitter and we won’t do that because we know you are gold.

Glitter is a cheap way to try to make something look better than it really is.  Glitter is used to simulate gold.  I want you to be authentically awesome people, not cheap fakes.  Our world, though, is steadily trying to convince us both that glitter is enough. Look at a comparison of Glitter and Gold and see for yourself:

1. Glitter is mass-produced in factories; Gold is a rare mineral found in the earth. You were created for more than boyfriends, parties, and sparkly nails.  You come from the earth and are created to make it a better place.  Remind yourself with the lines of this poem: “My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.”  You are an individual and should be proud of all that means.  Never do something just because everyone else thinks it’s okay.

2. Glitter has barely any weight; Gold is sold by its weight. To have a voice in this world, you’ll have to prove you have something worthwhile to say. You do that by learning and becoming an expert.  You don’t have to know everything, but you should know a lot about at least one thing.  You can be whatever you want to be, but be prepared to work for it if you want to do it well.

3. Glitter is cheap; Gold is expensive. It’s okay if people accuse you of being picky when it comes to men (and other major life decisions).  Wait for the man (or the college or the job) who is willing to meet your standard.  He should respect your parents, share your moral and faith code, promise to care for you always (and prove it now), and be your truest most faithful friend.  You don’t have to give yourself away to the first guy who shows up.  Be choosy.  You are worth it.

4. Glitter symbolizes temporary fame or glory; Gold is the symbol of eternity. In all of this, remember where you come from and what you were made for: God himself. Your Creator, your Savior, your Friend.  This life He gives is a blessing and a gift, but it is also full of pain that comes from many ages of the world rejecting this truth.  Things will go wrong and you’ll have to decide how that fits in your thinking.  I have a baby girl in Heaven named Ellery and, because of her, every day I remember that this life is only temporary. Someday, because I believe God is who He says He is, I’ll be in the best place ever and all the problems and troubles of this life will be gone.  Until then, I use the problems of this life to make me stronger and more dependent of God’s grace.  Anything here can be taken away from me (even the people I love the most); only He is a constant.  I can have Him now and I can have Him then.  I hold on.  I hope you will, too.

The world will try to treat you like glitter, sister, and you’ll have to remind them that you are gold.  Sometimes you’ll wish you could be glitter because it looks so much easier.  But resist the crazy of the masses and be rare instead.

Don’t settle for the cheap ways of glitter - be real gold!

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Felicity White teaches spiritual formation and literature courses at Heartland Christian College.  She is also a perpetual student - always reading, researching, and connecting.  She makes a home with her musician husband, Dan, and four perfectly imperfect children.  She feeds the dog because it's the right thing to do.  Her blog, Rare Rocks (www.felicitywhite.com), focuses on the challenging but worthwhile work of pursuing virtue and beauty even in the earthy places and phases of this life.

web :: www.felicitywhite.com twitter :: twitter.com/felicitywhite

beyond every flaw or imperfection.

:: by Meshali Mitchell

“I was 13 when I first took note of my body and began to compare it to other girls.  In the middle school locker room, the other cheerleaders and I stood in front of the mirrors and began to take note of how we all differed from each other.  Standing there in my uniform, I realized my body was different from the other girls.  All of ours were.  They all differed from each other.  Megan made the statement, 'I just want to be skinny and beautiful like the girls on TV.'  My mind began to wander.  So, what was considered beautiful?  What was the gauge of beauty?  What did boys like?  These were the questions that ran through my mind.”

'BEAUTY' …what is it anyway?  In today’s culture, we see it everywhere.  It’s hard to get away from the question.  Image.  Beauty ...what does that really mean?  Who is the judge of it?  Where does my worth really come from?  Supermodels and photoshopped movie stars are at the forefront of our daily view.  At the grocery store standing in line, on billboards as we drive, on commercials when we sit to watch TV, we are bombarded with it.  Fifteen years later, after standing in front of that locker room mirror, as a 28 year old woman, I’m right there with you.  Trust me, I have been confronted with it, too.

Here are a few steps I take in my own life to help keep perspective on what “beauty” is:

1. Guard your thoughts :: Proverbs 4:23 Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts.

It’s so easy to get caught up in appearance.  So many become consumed with it.  Don’t let the enemy sit on the throne of your life in this area.  Do not bow your knee to what he and this culture says about you.   A powerful tool Satan uses is to attack our self image through our thoughts shaped and influenced by culture.  I’ve realized throughout my life that in every area our culture seems to naturally push the agenda of negative thoughts on us.  If the enemy can target our minds and win, the trap is set and the pulling grasp gets hold of what he needs to shape and diminish.  He is powerless until we give him room to rule in certain areas.  We CHOOSE who we give the right to rule in our minds.  I encourage you today - think on good things.  Here are few verses to dwell on when you battle these thoughts::

:: Romans 12:2 Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

:: Philippians 4:8  Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

:: 2 Corinthians 10:3-6 The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way-never have and never will.  The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture.  We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.  Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.

2. Surround yourself with encouraging, life-giving friends :: Proverbs 12:26 One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

The last thing I want to do when I feel down is surround myself with people that always seem to drain the life out of me.  I encourage you to give place to Godly, life giving friends.  Let these few choice people speak thoughts of Hope and God’s amazing purpose into you!  Allow their love and encouragement to give you support and RIGHT THINKING for your life.  Godly people sharpen each other.  Others have a warped view of self image and their ideas could affect you in a negative way.  Godly friends have made the difference in my life!!

3. Work out!  Strive to live healthy and keep a good balance :: 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

We all probably need a little work in this area.  Along with healthy thought patterns, build healthy habits of working out and eating right.  This is a good, solid habit for healthy living and will help keep us in shape.  Strive to honor your Creator with how you treat your body.

4. GOD SEES YOU AS HIS ::: Beautiful Daughter.

Realize that as God’s people, we live in an upside down kingdom.  Beauty is so much deeper than the skin.  God constantly longs to tell a beautiful story by rewriting some of the things you’ve been through.  He takes the wrong things we’ve been through and makes them right and beautiful.  Our flaws can actually benefit us in God’s kingdom.  When we allow the Lord to re-write our story, He takes the imperfections, the broken things, and makes a masterpiece.  This is the REAL BEAUTY :: the irreplaceable that makes you one of a kind :: we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  The beauty is that God has placed His fingerprint on each of our lives.  There is no greater story than that, no greater or truer beauty.  He loves us and has made us daughters in His Kingdom.

Let's do our best to live basing our view of ourselves solely and completely on what God says about us.  The whole and precise view that He loves us right where we are at and sees beyond every flaw or imperfection.  There is no pressure to 'PERFORM' in His Kingdom.  He is our greatest fan.  Let’s live like it.

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Based in Dallas, Meshali is unapologetically "southern" in her personality and style.  Her work has been described as timeless and sophisticated.  Mostly, her art has a southern charm and honest reflection.  Passionate about capturing the expression of the moment, Meshali approaches her craft with artistry, creativity, vision and professionalism.

Meshali is also passionate about life.  The roles she plays as a Christ-follower, daughter, sister and friend all contribute to her craft.  She is an avid reader, prolific blogger and her own worst critic.  Fortunately all of these come together to create a personal story unique to the photographs she captures.

website // meshalimitchellphoto.com  ::  twitter // @meshali

Daddy's standard.

::  by Rachel McGowan [gallery link="file" columns="5"]

The reason I have such high expectations in my future husband is because of the way my daddy loves me.

I am my father’s first born, his only daughter, a full-blooded daddy’s girl, and the second most important woman in his life. When I was little, he used to call me “pumpkin”, and I loved it. It still slips out from time to time.

Days after I was born, he wrote a song for me on the guitar. It’s a sweet little melody that rocks my soul to sleep and fills me in the best ways.

From the start, my daddy has loved me well. He tells me I am beautiful at every opportunity. He always answers my questions, and he laughs at my jokes. He calls me to say hello and remembers the details of my life when I tell him. He fights for me against all odds; he would take any bullet for me, just to know I was safe and happy.

He supports everything I do. When I went off to college in another state, he helped me get there, so that I could have the opportunity of a lifetime. When I worked in a restaurant, he frequently asked me about work, so that I could feel purpose behind what I was doing. When I wanted voice lessons, he paid for them in an instant, so that I could grow my passion for music.

But the most important thing my daddy has every done for me is pray for me.

In the song I mentioned he wrote, my daddy asks God to keep me safe, to watch over my life. My daddy submitted me to the Lord before I was even cognitive enough to know it. And as I grew, he discovered my heart, and showed me where it aligned with God’s promises. He showered me with prayer, in any situation. He led the family in a way that put God first, above everything. He so passionately delighted in praising God, that it compelled me to know Jesus deeper. He pursued my heart over the first 24 years of my life in subtle and consistent ways that I am only now beginning to realize. And he never stopped getting to know me. He still takes my heart’s corners and points me back to God’s promises.

I wish I had known that if a boy couldn’t hold a candle to my daddy’s love for me, then he wasn’t worth a second of my time.

As I look back now, I can see ways in which I am sure I broke my daddy’s heart. I spent time with boys just because they were cute, boys who did not understand guarding my heart or preserving my purity. Of course he knew better than I did, but I did not listen to him. So he graciously and gently allowed me to expand the spectrum of my experiences, and allowed life to teach me lessons that only life can. He was there for me when my heart was broken; he stood up for me at all cost.

I have met the man I want to spend the rest of my days with, and I am not surprised that he reminds me of my daddy.

He is kind to all, giving to all, and loving to all. He supports whatever I do and he cherishes me as incredibly important in his life. He values my purity, and is a consistent source of grace, joy, and love. Our relationship is so sacred, so patient, and so focused on God’s promises.

But the most important thing this man does for me is pray for me.

He wraps up our evenings or our conversations in a prayer. He loves Jesus so furiously and passionately, that I am compelled to know Jesus deeper. His love for God inspires me. His showers of prayer strengthen me, and point me back to the meaning of it all.

My standards for a man were set long before I knew it. They were set before I even knew I wanted to get married. Before I knew what I would need in a relationship, before my heart would be broken by boys who were undeserving of my attention, before I undoubtedly recognized my own inner beauty, my daddy instilled those truths within me. My daddy planted deep-rooted seeds in my heart that harvested good fruit in my life. With constant, “I’m proud of you, exactly how you are.” moments, my heart knew what kind of ground to stand firm upon.

I know my worth because my daddy never let me believe I was anything less than wonderfully made; cherished; lovely; enough.

A girl is worth a daddy who resembles the steady love of Jesus, and she is worth a husband who reminds her of that love.

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Rachel is a writer, reader, laughter, dreamer, shower-singer and car-dancer who lives in Dallas, TX and works with hundreds of college students who are figuring out life. She is passionate about women’s issues, the struggles of faith, and is seeking ways to give a voice to the untold stories that have the potential to change lives. She believes in the healing powers of authenticity, acoustic music, and whole bean coffee.

She blogs at www.sincerelyrachelchristine.com and you can keep up with her here:

Twitter:: @_rachchristine Facebook:: www.facebook.com/whistlingrachel