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It's in the remembering that we live braver, hungrier and more convinced of hope and grace and beauty swallowing.
I have noticed small bright pink post it notes lying around in the same spot. At first glance, I paid little attention, but a stack began forming messy demanding better attention. For days I moved right passed the tiny little heap until my walking by caused a couple pieces to stir and drift off the counter top onto the wooden floor. I have a tendency to sort of stack papers. It’s my way of cleaning the kitchen or anything actually. My process is quite simplistic. Dispose of as much as possible as often as possible. I tolerate clutter in a compartmentalizing sort of way. Or maybe it’s procrastination. The latter is honest response. Compartmentalizing simply sounds more together, in control and sophisticated. As a telling side note, procrastination is mode of operation for me. It is a chronic characteristic I am working out of my life. There simply is not enough room in the life of a single parent for much procrastination. Bright pink landing on wooden floor. The contrast unmistakeable in both size and color. Leaning over to reach the few fallen, I could see that each brightly colored little piece of paper held scribbled words, messages deep and searching.
A daughter wandering through day, lost in thought and dream of a life different, the undisturbed continuing of the life she knew. Sometimes dishonest with her smile bright and affectionate, hiding when she hurts or needs or wants but thankfully, bleeding out words that grab to find home in her heart wishing to grow only darker and deep.
“I wish I could tell her all the things I’m doing.” “She’d smile real big and be hugely proud of you, sweetie.”
Still reforming and in the piecing back together in beautiful miracle the life so disturbed by one quick blow, we wade through the unknown and questions lingering. The trust that weans in days lasting too long makes us stronger together.
One easy to recognize evidence of her heart once devastated now growing stronger in the day to day is her courageous heart. She’s braver in the bleeding, risking for reward and foregoing shadows. On the basketball court for the first time, lined wood giving direction to game and position, the sound of soles shuffling, a ball bouncing, hands raised, the game still so foreign to her, I saw her heart laid bare. She positioned herself vulnerable in front of yelling parents and strange onlookers for shared experience and enjoyment of game and friends. In the confusion of plays and rules and game, she jumped right in determined to know and participate. For her, it’s discovery, of who she is undeniably and deeply wound within the DNA. It is also an aim at who she wants to be and is traveling toward. All in the game, in the experience, she’s finding and becoming. My heart soars quietly sitting in the stands each time. Camera clicking. Recording her evolution.
One day Elizabeth Marie will look long behind her and gaze upon a field of flowers in the wake of her pursuit. In ways out of my reach, she is cutting a path for us all, not around, but straight through heart and mire and questions with unfitting answers. Their hearts remain resilient even in the distance and miles away from that life. Just last night, we talked about her notes and basketball. She smiled honestly in the sadness revisited. But together we left it again coming and going as visitors both stronger.
“Nothing will ever replace her. The thought of losing mommy will always cause sadness, but both the memories and the life we live will always be brighter. Promise.”